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The Story of Zonks transcript
Scene 1: The Ontaria Elementary School playground Elementary School Bell Ringing Ontario Elementary School Students Cheering Calvin: “It’s a game day, Ethan, prepare to meet your doom!” Ethan: “Don’t make me laugh, Calvin, we creamed you guys last year, we’ll do it again this year.” Albert: “Man, I’m shaking it real good.” Susie: "Spare us, Ethan, we saw you 3rd graders practice." Calvin: “Yeah right, you guys zonk.” Ethan: “What was that, Calvin?” Calvin: “You heard me, Ethan, you guys zonk!” Ethan: “That does it, Calvin, it’s go time!” Susie: “Hey chill out, Ethan, zonk is just Calvin’s word, it doesn’t mean anything.” Ethan: “What the heck are you speaking about?” Toby: “You don’t know? Calvin’s the dude who would never get in trouble for cursing.” Candace: “It's 'cause of the verb to zonk.” Rodney: “It all began back in 1st grade.” Flashback sequence to Calvin and Albert as 1st grade students…….. 1st Grade Calvin: “I’m terribly sorry I got you sent to the wall, Albert, every single student knows you’re not supposed to curse in school.” 1st Grade Albert: “Hey, I could’ve repeated it, it’s just goof head, that’s a classic.” 1st Grade Calvin: “Do you know what we need, Albert? we need a word that will never get us in very big trouble, a word that doesn’t mean anything, that way, when we stub our fingers playing hand ball or spill out root beer in our laps.” 1st Grade Albert: “Or we could shout without aiming out in front of the wall, awesome, but what’s the word?” 1st Grade Calvin: “It’s gotta be something short, nice and meaningless, how ‘bout ‘sprocket’?” 1st Grade Albert: “I think that’s a part of a tractor.” 1st Grade Calvin: “‘Fudge cakes’?” 1st Grade Albert: “That’s some sort of dessert treat.” 1st Grade Calvin: “Blue snot?” 1st Grade Albert: “Too revolting.” 1st Grade Calvin: “Man, this making up stuff zonks.” 1st Grade Albert: “Zonks, that’s it!” Principal Spittle: (off screen) “No giving stand backs at the wall!” End of flashback sequence……… Ethan: “So, Calvin, you mean, 'zonks doesn’t mean anything?” Calvin: “You got it, Ethan.” Ethan: “Alright, super thrilling.” Elementary School Bell Ringing Again Ethan: “Man, we got so wound up in Calvin’s story, we missed an entire hour of recess.” Calvin: “This zonks.” Principal Spittle grabs Calvin’s right shoulder with his right hand. Gasps In Shock Principal Spittle: “What did you say, Calvin?!?” Calvin: “I just said this zonks, Principal Spittle.” Principal Spittle: “That does it, Mr. Foul mouth, it’s my office for you, now march!” Calvin: “But, but, Principal Spittle, you don’t understand.” Principal Spittle takes Calvin to his office. George: “You guys, we gotta do something about it, naughty language is an automatic level for detention.” Candace: “Oh come on, George, how can they possibly punish Calvin for saying a word that he invented?” Meanwhile in Principal Spittle’s office……… Principal Spittle: “Now, Calvin, this is a very serious situation, a very serious situation indeed, we can’t allow naughty language in school.” Calvin: “I know, Principal Spittle, but I……..” Principal Spittle: “You see, Calvin, naughty language undermines authority, it’s part of disrespect and laziness.” Calvin: “But, Principal Spittle, all I said was………” Principal Spittle: “I know exactly what you said, Calvin, I can’t keep up with you students and your foul mouth slang, but somebody assures me that it’s dirty and filthy, I got no choice but to give you detention level 9.” Calvin: “Level 9? man, this zonks.” Principal Spittle: “Make that level 10, are you ready to push me any further, Calvin?” Meanwhile back outside the Ontario Elementary School courtyard……. Albert: “8:35? man, how long are they gonna keep him in there?” Calvin and Principal Spittle walk around outside. Principal Spittle: “I hope you learned your lesson, Calvin, please note this, I alerted the entire school district, from now on, your little word is officially forbidden.” Principal Spittle closes the doors. Susie: “Were they hard on you in there, Calvin?” Candace: “Did they let you do your homework?” Toby: “Or use the men’s lavatory?” Calvin: “Sure, you guys, but a trip to the men’s lavatory came by back from what they took from me.” Susie: “Well, Calvin, what did they take?” Calvin: “They took my word, they made it into something ugly and unclean, well, 2 can play that game, or a lot of them.” Candace: “What do you mean, Calvin?” Calvin: “You guys, I got a plan.” Meanwhile at the kick ball field……… Mr. Grousso: “Alright, boys and girls, here is the most fun part, let’s name our kick ball teams.” Moe: “Well, alright, Mr. Grousso, we’re gonna be the Wild Cats.” Mr. Grousso: “Very clever, Moe.” Mr. Grousso: “How ‘bout you, Albert?” Albert: “Look out, Wild Cats, we’re the Zonkers.” Ontario Elementary School Students Cheering Wildly Mr. Grousso: Whistle Loudly “Albert, that word is off limits, you know that, Principal Spittle’s office, pronto!” Calvin: “It’s just begun.” Meanwhile in the Ontario Elementary School cafeteria lunchroom Toby: “Hi there, Lunch Lady Janet, I would like the chicken teriyaki, please and a big zonking helping of mashed taters with gravy.” Principal Spittle grabs Toby’s right shoulder with his right hand. Meanwhile in Ms. Wormwood’s 2nd grade classroom……… Clang! Susie: “Yow, I zonked my finger in my desk!” Ms. Wormwood: “Susie, oh dear, now I gotta send you to Principal Spittle’s office.” Meanwhile outside on the Ontario Elementary School courtyard…………… Felicia: “Yahoo, I’m suited for 300 zonks, a world’s zonk record!” Whistle Blowing Sounds Meanwhile with Melanie, Olivia and Petunia……… Melanie: “This outfit is totally………..” Olivia and Petunia: “''Zonk''.” Loud Whistle Blowing Sounds Meanwhile back in Principal Spittle’s office……. Principal Spittle: “You and your class hamster zonky, you students should be ashamed of yourselves.” Principal Spittle: “Yikes, Agnes, please tell me that those students are here to present me with the world’s greatest principal plaque.” Ms. Jones: “No, just some students saying the z word.” Principal Spittle: “I can’t stand it any longer, I haven’t got a minute of peace and silence for days, alright, that’s it, outta my office, sign your names on the sheet by the door and get outta here.” Principal Spittle: “Who the heck is Zonky Zonkerson?” I just……oh, forget about it!” Principal Spittle exits his office. Principal Spittle: “That does it, desperate times call for desperate measures.” Principal Spittle picks on his blue wireless telephone. Mr. Robertson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “More advanced special services……..” Principal Spittle: (on blue wireless telephone) “Hello, John Spittle here from Ontario Elementary School.” Mr. Robertson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “Yeah? what is it?” Principal Spittle: (on blue wireless telephone) “I got a situation about 1 of my foul apples that just spoiled an entire bunch if you happen to know what I mean, you gotta help me.” Mr. Robertson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “Oh yeah, that’s right.” Mr. Robertson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “Alright, we’re coming over right away.” Principal Spittle: (on blue wireless telephone) “You guys are coming over right away? you mean you guys are the cleaners?” Mr. Robertson’s voice on Blue Wireless Telephone: “That’s right, if anybody can solve your problem, it’s me, and, John, don’t use this telephone line again.” Principal Spittle hangs up on the blue wireless telephone. Principal Spittle: “Let’s go see those little zonkers laugh right now.” Meanwhile on the Ontario Elementary School softball field………….. Blue Striped Helicopter Whirring George: “Hey, you guys, look a helicopter!” Candace: “Painted red with a blue stripe around it.” All Army Agents: “Hut 2, 3, 4, hut 2, 3, 4, hut 2, 3, 4!” Whooshing Mr. Robertson steps outta his limousine. Principal Spittle: “Thank goodness you’re here, Marty, now about this foul language situation, I was just thinking we could institute a quarter for use law.” Mr. Robertson: “Show me to your office, John, I would like some honey milk tea and some chocolate fudge cookies on a China plate.” Principal Spittle: “But it’s not tea time, Marty, it’s an emergency, it’s time for action!” Mr. Robertson: “1st honey milk tea, then action.” Principal Spittle and Mr. Robertson go back to Principal Spittle’s office inside the Ontario Elementary School building. Susie: “Hey, who was that guy?” Principal Spittle: (off screen) “Calvin!” Principal Spittle: “Somebody wants to see you in my office right now.” Scene 2: Back in Principal Spittle’s office again Calvin: “So that’s the entire story, Mr. Robertson, I just made that word up, it doesn’t mean anything at all.” Mr. Robertson: “I understand completely, Calvin, you seem like an assigned well-meaning young man, you don’t gotta worry about it anymore.” Calvin: “Thanks a bunch, Mr. Robertson.” Calvin walks around outta Principal Robertson’s office. Mr. Robertson: “Principal Spittle, this z word is a terrible cancer, it must be removed.” Principal Spittle: “Removed? is that really serious?” Mr. Robertson: “Serious? you heard the word zonk.” Principal Spittle: “Yes, Marty?” Mr. Robertson: “Well, zonk began as a replacement for a certain naughty word, but it spreads like wildfire through the playground and the gym room, today’s no longer outstanding for a naughty word, but a full grown naughty word that’s not right.” Principal Spittle: “I had no idea about it.” Mr. Robertson: “I let that 1 get away from me, John, but I’m not gonna allow that to happen again, the zonk thing ends right now.” Principal Spittle: “Well how exactly do we do that, Marty?” Mr. Robertson: “By making an example of the young boy who sparked the fire flames.” Principal Spittle: “An example? oh good idea, good idea, but how can we do it, Marty?” Mr. Robertson: “It’s already in the works, John.” Meanwhile back outside the Ontario Elementary School building…….. Calvin: “Kids of the school playground, I spoke to Mr. Robertson, he assured me this entire thing was a misunderstanding.” Ontario Elementary School Students Cheering Wildly Calvin: “From this day on, no other kid will ever get in trouble for saying the word zonks.” Blue Striped Helicopter Whirring Again Police Guard in Helicopter: “Calvin Johnson, freeze, to others, step away from the young kid!” Police Guard Number 2: “Young kid, you’re coming with all of us.” Scene 3: The Courtroom All Ontario Elementary School students: Chanting “Calvin, Calvin, Calvin, Calvin, Calvin, Calvin…….” Judge Adamson: “It was then that Mr. Calvin Johnson uttered a word so terrible that I can’t bring myself to, offered in those house calls.” Mr. Robertson: “A word so dangerous, ladies and gentlemen, people of all ages, but if left unchecked, if you think could win its way into our young kids' minds, eventually causing society to crumble and civilization just as we know to come to an end.” Principal Spittle: “I like those guys.” Mr. Robertson: “Judge Adamson, your decision is now clear, make an example of this miscreant, I would expel him with extreme prejudice, that way, no other young kid would ever use this word again!” Mr. Robertson: “The entire courtroom rests before your very eyes.” Neighborhood Citizens And Young Kids Protesting Adamson Bangs Gavel On Podium Judge Adamson: “Thanks a bunch, Marty, eloquent, powerful and not just a bit flattered." Dr. Vernon: “Word up, Mona, I’m here to layer out streets for the can.” Ontario Elementary School Students Protesting Judge Adamson: “Very well, Dr. Vernon, uh, proceed.” Dr. Adamson walks right over to Calvin. Dr. Adamson: “Why sure, Judge Adamson, let to me to the bargain, so good.” Candace: “What did he say, Susie?” Susie: “He said Got me, Candace.” Dr. Vernon: “Note this, Judge Adamson, Calvin was just a smart young kid, a real word inventor, you can’t punish him for any single word he just invented, the big z isn’t a word which is the crud, this doesn’t hold any air or oxygen.” Mr. Robertson: “Judge Adamson, this young man discussed me to the core, I command his testimony to be speaking for the record and he would be even forced to be moved from the courtroom!” Dr. Vernon: “No, Marty, this guy’s beginning to assist me!” Mr. Robertson: “I bet this man is even an expert, I question his credential!” Dr. Vernon: “How dare you question my credential, Marty, I have spent 12 years studying at the world’s greatest university just to be slandered by the likes of some civil savage!” Mr. Robertson: “Civil savage?!? why, you crazy joker!” Dr. Vernon: “Cocktail breath!” Mr. Robertson: “Loud mouth!” Dr. Vernon: “Braniac!” Robertson And Dr. Vernon Growling In Unison Calvin: (Off screen) “Stop!” Mr. Robertson and Dr. Vernon stop arguing. Calvin: “Judge Adamson, can I please speak for myself?” Judge Adamson: “Well, Calvin, it’s quite unusual in those hearings, but so is everything else here today, go ahead, Calvin.” Calvin: “Judge Adamson, I know Dr. Vernon’s trying to help me, but the stuff he’s saying the way he speaks, it’s from another time, I also get what Mr. Robertson’s trying to say, new words just frighten him, that’s all, but the thing is, Judge Adamson, making up words and stuff is part of what being a young kid’s all about, we like to make up names for everything, we’re not looking for trouble, the fact is I invented that word to stay outta trouble and now just ‘cause some of those foul words sound foul, I gotta stay in here today and defend myself, I don’t mean to be rude, Judge Adamson, but if you ask me, this entire thing zonks.” Mr. Robertson: “Young man, how dare you say that word.” Mr. Robertson: “Judge Adamson, I tried to keep that foul word outta the courtroom, but just as you can see this young kid’s got no regard but to-” Judge Adamson: “Whoa, whoa, wait 1 single minute!” Judge Adamson: “Marty, what foul word are we speaking about here?” Mr. Robertson: “Well, the word is zonks', Judge Adamson.”'' Judge Adamson: “Zonks? Marty, are you telling me this entire preceding as though of the word ''zonks?” Mr. Robertson: “Ah, yes, Judge Adamson, that’s correct.” Adamson Laughs Uncontrollably Mr. Robertson: “Judge Adamson, I wanna know what’s hilarious.” Judge Adamson: “The word, that’s what’s hilarious, Marty, zonks, it’s a hilarious word!” Mr. Robertson: “No it’s not, Judge Adamson it’s shameful, filth, it’s meaning use clearly unsafe!” Judge Adamson: “Doesn’t mean anything unsafe to me, how ‘bout you, Mona? does zonks mean anything unsafe to you?” Ms. Wormwood: “Me? no, Judge Adamson, I think it’s just a clever and creative way to say how unpleasant.” Judge Adamson: “And you, Eric?” Eric: “Well, to me, it means something’s repellent or offensive, that or bodacious.” Judge Gibson: “And you, Stacy?” Stacy: “I think it’s adorable.” Rosalyn: “It sounds kind of fancy.” Mr. Lockjaw: “It sounds like a type of wild animal to me.” Judge Adamson: “And I think it’s hilarious, anybody who hears foul meaning in this zonks word probably got a foul mind to begin with, the entire courtroom has no control over what goes on inside other people’s minds, hard as we try, I therefor find Calvin Henry Johnson, not guilty.” Adamson Bangs Gavel On Podium Again Ontario Elementary School Students Cheering Wildly Judge Adamson: “That means you’re expected to be in school tomorrow morning, Calvin.” Susie: “It’s sort of an entire victory, right, Calvin?” Principal Spittle: “This zonks.” Fade to a black screen………… Voice Cast Members End Credits Laura Bailey as Calvin Johnson (voice) Bailee Madison as Susie Derkins (voice) Danny Cooksey as Albert Jefferson (voice) Estelle Harris as Ms. Wormwood (voice) Jim Cummings as Principal Spittle (voice) Courtney Fansler as Candace (voice) Jesse McCartney as Moe Lawson (voice) Nika Futterman as Toby O'Connor (voice) Nancy Cartwright as Ethan Fredericksen (voice) Mike Judge as Eric Johnson (voice) Alex Borstein as Stacy Johnson (voice) Jack Black as Coach Lockjaw (voice) Mila Kunis as Rosalyn (voice) Category:Calvin and Hobbes the Series episode scripts